avoidant

a collection of poetic retrospective journal entries (with voiceover)

TRIGGER WARNING: briefly mentions sexual assault and suicidal ideation. I don’t go into any detail in this piece, but don’t want anyone to be surprised by the mention.

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july 7th 2007

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it’s my 14th birthday.

my first boyfriend surprises me

with a bouquet

and a hand-drawn card

and a new tennis racket.

i had the biggest crush on him

before we got together.

a month later, i’m scrambling to come up with any excuse to dump him,

and i don’t know why.

i make up lies,

i make myself look crazy, and try

to give him the “ick”

(before i knew what that was),

so i won’t have to hurt him.

it doesn’t work.

and he’s hurt.

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2010 (date unknown)

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i dump my high school boyfriend.

we’ve been together a year and a half.

i don’t know why i’m breaking up with him.

i love him.

but something in me decides it’s time to move on—

at least, that’s what i think?

i won’t grieve that relationship at all

for another 10+ years.

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june whatever 2012

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i graduate a year late.

skip my graduation

to go get high at the beach

with my “friend”

of six years.

two weeks later

he will rape me.

i leave a lot of people behind,

relocate,

and start working full time

(at least i don’t commit suicide).

i get promoted at every job

every step of the way.

i say yes to night shifts,

and cover for everyone.

work is necessary,

but for me, it’s a party drug

i’m pretending i don’t want to take.

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july 22nd 2016

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i got a new job

(yay me).

i clock out for my first lunch break

and my new coworker smiles and says

“enjoy your lunch!”

excuse me… what?

at the time clock,

someone i’ve never seen before says

“hey! have a nice day!”

i say nothing…

too busy wondering

were they talking to me?

do they want to talk to me?

do they want me to respond,

or are they just on social auto-pilot?

do they just have great manners?

if i respond,

they won’t be expecting,

and they’ll look at me crazy.

i’ve already thought about it too long

they’ve walked away, they’re gone.

it’s ok. i’ll work there for another 10 years

and someday,

long after the shock fades,

i’ll be hooked on wishing everyone

a happy lunch break.

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2018 (date unknown)

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i watch brokeback mountain with my friends

and at the end i have to leave

to cry in the car for 45 minutes

where they won’t see.

i’ve never been so stirred by a movie.

i obviously can’t relate

to being gay

at a time when it was so unsafe…

but emotionally,

something resonates:

the pain of the fear ennis had,

which held him back

from loving jack.

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october 21st 2020

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my grandma is dying today.

it’s just me at her bedside…

i don’t know what to say

so i play

the songs we used to listen to in the car together

to fill the silence.

every so often I say something stupid

“hey,

do you remember when you wandered off

at the yankee candle factory?

i knew i’d find you in the christmas section,

and there you were, watching the model train.”

she is in a coma, and can’t hear me,

or maybe she can.

she dies.

and i go home and stay up late that night

to write an essay

and finish my chem lab;

quickly, while i’m still in denial,

before the grief hits.

i have no idea what that will look like.

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january 21st 2021

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losing my grandmother has taken a toll on me,

so i find a therapist.

weekly appointments.

i’m aware now that i’m

“dismissive avoidant.”

i remember the first time i cried in her office—

6 months later.

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august 29th 2021

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i dump one long-term situationship

for another.

i thought it would hurt him—

only to find out

he is just about

to get engaged,

and will have a baby shortly after.

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june 1st 2022

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i’ve gotten attached to my situationship.

and just to prove i don’t need him

i start dating again…

i even date one of his friends.

“there, now i fixed it,

i’ll never be an option.”

taken care of, right?

surely nothing i’ll regret.

his friend didn’t want me either.

i can’t blame him.

i keep dating,

but ghost everyone;

they give me “the ick.”

i learn from my therapist:

the ick is my own fear of intimacy

and closeness.

i realize for the first time

why i dumped my high school boyfriend.

i’m so sorry.

12 years too late.

…

i couldn’t stand to cause anyone

anymore pain,

so (as lonely as it was)

i took a much needed long break

from dating.

…

my ghosting career

dies here

…

and it did.

thank you for reading 🖤

- em

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